Yeah, I'm a good kid. I'm an honest person and I have integrity. That's lie number 1. If I was really gonna tell you the truth I would tell you that my mom believes all of those things. I mean, how would she know any different. All that she sees of me is a stable, trustworthy girl of integrity. She deserves the kind of daughter that she sees, but we don't always get what we deserve. I don't know, maybe it's not my fault? Lie number 2.
Oh yes of course, she's absolutely wonderful! I'm so proud of her. All her life I've brought her to church, taught her good morals and made sure she was on the right track. We've had our ups and downs but we're in a really good spot. She seems to be drinking in all of the good and pure parts of life. I don't deserve a daughter like her
Everyday is the same, I wake up, get ready for school and she wishes me a good day. Some days I'm walking to lunch with just enough alone time to start feeling guilty about the things I said about my mom. She's so confident in me so when I look into my lunch bag, I find a heart shaped note written in perfect cursive, "Sweetie, I'm so proud of the person you're becoming. Have a good day:)." of course the guilt starts to come back but it doesn't get very far before I'm distracted by one of my friends that's calling me. The girl my mom is so proud of walks away swearing and forgets all about her guilt. She wouldn't be proud of her "real" daughter. But now that I think of it, maybe the real me is the honest, sweet and happy girl I am around my mom? Maybe the person I am when I'm away from her is the cover up for who I am with my mom? Lie number 3.
I'm not going to lie, it's hard to let her go out and not wonder if she's doing the right thing and staying inside of the boundaries. It's hard, but I know that I don't need to worry, she's never given me a reason to mistrust her.
I think that one of the main reasons she's so confident in me is that I've never been caught doing anything bad. Like I said before, in her eyes she has no reason to question me. To be sincerely honest, sometimes I wish she did have a reason. But let me make this clear, I don't wake up excided and ready to go to school and become a different person. I just know I will. Sometimes I look in the mirror and tell my self that I can't do the same thing again. I look straight into my blue eyes and tell myself it's time to change. No matter how much I try to make myself listen, there's always this little voice right in the back corner of my brain that reminds me of the part of myself that doesn't want to change. It makes sure I know that I'm lying to myself, and most of the time it's right.
She tells me everything, her problems, what she's happy about, and asks me for help when things get too hard. We have a great relationship and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
When she asks me how my day was, I tell her it was great. When she asks me to tell her about my day, I avoid talking about myself by telling her a story about one of my friends. Also, I do this thing where I tell her about all the bad things some people are getting into and how much some kids lie to their parents. By doing this I guess I'm just trying to get her opinion on the "real" me without telling her it's actually me I'm referring to. Even though it usually works, sometimes it makes me mad. I hear her tell me how wrong what "they're "doing is and I start yelling at her and defending them because I don't want anymore guilt. I know. I'm fake. I know it but she can't know.
I can truthfully say that I don't want to change anything about myself, my daughter, or our life. I'm aware that nobody has it perfect but it doesn't get much better than this.
Yes I get it! I understand that what I'm doing is wrong but I don't know what to do? If I tell her all that I'm telling you then she'll never trust me again and she would be so hurt. I can't do that to her! I don't hide all this for myself, I'm doing it for her. Lie number 4. No one wants to change this more than I do. I want to so bad! I just don't know how. Lie numb- yeah I know, I know. I guess that's a lie too. Okay I know it's a lie. People say that if you want something really bad you'll work for it and nothing can get in your way. I guess that if I cared enough I would already be over all this. Well there's nothing I can do now. Lie number 6.
Yes, everything's great. That's a fact, and I know nothing could be better. Lie number 1.
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